Oh gog I'm an idiot. Why did I even I wish I wasn't so emotiona So today I kinda broke down.
Rez, as always, was ready to hear me out and try to comfort me. I said I was paranoid, he asked to give me a sample of my paranoia. Using himself as an example. So I did.
Well, right now I'm thinking that you're only friends with me cause you're just being nice. If given the chance and your own personal ethics allow you to, you'd drop me so fast I wouldn't know what happened. Right now you just can't wait to get rid of me and all of my troubles. I'm just this sobby, depressing, crazy girl you see almost every day and who won't leave you alone.
He went 'hmmm' like I knew he would. I told him,
"Maybe it's not paranoia. Maybe it's insecurity. Maybe it's my gut telling me something."
Then, through the Internet, he.. well, I'll just copy and paste the conversation here. Edited slightly, of course.
Rez pulls you into his arms, and thinks about this. "Now, I can argue /all day/ that isn't true, but that's not gonna help you either way."
Rez means, okay, sure. You have a lot of troubles. This is a complete true fact.
Rez's personal ethics /do/ let him basically drop people, honestly. Just...like, so you know.
Rez would love to give you this sappy speech about how he loves you too much to let you go but would be lying and that would make things worse. So it's just...you're my friend. Maybe the friendship's changed somewhat, but I don't....give up on people, you know?
Me: .... how... how has our friendship changed? I know it has, but from what to what?'
Rez isn't sure. Guesses it's kinda like -name-? I feel like I know you less in a sexual sense, and more in a 'who you actually are' sense, on my side. I'm kinda hard to know, I do understand that. @_@
-Me- nods. Okay.
After that, I... I don't know why I did it. But I did. And it happened.
Me: Is it a bad thing that I'm crying everyday now no matter the time?
Rez: Yes. Yes, it's a bad thing.... But I
think it's the chemical unbalance thing. (He thinks my instability in emotions is due to chemical unbalance in my body)
Me: No... Right now I think you're doing this to me. As unintentionally as you are.
Then he paused for a few seconds that seemed like hours and said, "Okay, what would you like me to do? To make this better for you."
I just about choked at my tears at that. I replied, "No, there's nothing. Nothing short of lying and faking. And I've had enough of that."
Then we talked about how I liked harsh honesty instead of white lies. And why he didn't like to lie. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I appreciated the honesty. Then I told him about the time I was in a coma. And how it was the best time in my life.
*sigh*
